The message on my work voicemail began rather comically.
“Hi there, my name is Venito, and I'm calling from the Vatican, where we've been doing an ongoing investigation regarding the canonization of Eldrick Woods.”
Clever, I think. I know where this is going, but at least the guy took some time to script this thing out. (Not all of our critics are so thoughtful.)
“We've been following, of course, the San Diego Union (sic) and the biggest part of their paper for the last two weeks has been pretty much devoted to Tiger – or Eldrick, excuse me – we use his proper name.”
The sarcasm in the guy's voice is now dripping so heavily it must be all over his shirt.
“We just want to let you know if you could tell us about any miracles you've seen, because we need three miracles. And the other thing we were really hoping he would do pretty soon is – die! Because you can't be a saint until you're dead! That's one of the things about it. It's kind of like being a successful artist. It's really hard to do while you're still alive.”
Not funny anymore. After this, the script gets a little disjointed and considerably more venomous.
“Myself and people who give a damn about Fuzzy Zoeller, or people who think that somebody is a no-class (jerk) who is really a good golfer is kind of a (messed) up thing – they just don't like him, and that's been a problem for us in our canonization process.
“Give us a call in the Vatican sainthood division if you know of any miracles Eldrick Woods has ever performed, and that does not include super long tee shots or really great putts. That's a tremendous accomplishment, of course – far more of an accomplishment than being a halfway decent human being or anything.
“I think you know what we're looking for here, and if you could keep us apprised. Thank you.”
My first thought after hanging up: Man, it's a strange world Tiger Woods lives in. Glad I'm not him.
You can be the greatest golfer of this or any other generation. You can give millions of dollars to charity. You can live the life of a model citizen in almost every way (the occasional profanity on TV being your biggest outward vice.) You can inspire and delight millions.
And yet there are still people who, even in a sarcastic manner, wish death upon you.
It's sad, but it's true.
There aren't just people out there who are rooting for an underdog like Rocco Mediate to beat Woods in the U.S. Open. I've spoken to plenty of those people this past week. They just wanted to see somebody else get the big prize, the life-changing reward, and having a great guy like Rocco to cheer for made it that much more fun. (Tell me: Would you have been as passionate about Lee Westwood?)
It goes deeper than that. As the caller made so plainly obvious, there are people who vehemently dislike, who hate Tiger Woods.
I want to assume that it's a success thing, that Woods has simply been so dominant that he's become an anti-hero to some. Maybe they don't like his fist-pumping celebrations because they're so un-golflike. Maybe they didn't get the autograph they wanted so they could sell it on eBay.
Unfortunately, there are darker motivations to consider. Race, obviously. Woods isn't just a man of color. He is of many colors. He's African, Asian, American Indian, Caucasian. There's a lot to love there, and a lot to hate, for those who so choose.
You look for clues. Our caller mentions Fuzzy Zoeller, and if you remember, Zoeller got himself into a bad situation when, after Woods won the 1997 Masters, the veteran player referred to him as “that little boy” and urged him not to order fried chicken and collard greens – “or whatever the hell they serve” for the Champions dinner the next year.
Zoeller claimed he was joking, but he lost two big endorsement deals, and Woods let the controversy steam for a month before accepting Zoeller's apology.
If you've got race issues, that touched a nerve. If you're Woods, you have to accept it as part of the life you'll lead. Woods was only 21 at the time.
Woods is 32 now, and he's learned some things on the journey. Earlier this year, when Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman insensitively joked about Woods' opponents having to lynch him to beat him, Woods was quick to accept her apology. If he hadn't, Tilghman would have been fired, guaranteed.
Woods' display of forgiveness to a friend didn't sit well with some black leaders. They want him to be more outspoken on race, more militant.
It's just not Woods' way, but it goes to show that there are people on all sides that Woods will never please.
So, caller, Tiger's no saint, that's for sure. But I think he does an impressive job of balancing the craziness – and the crazies – in his life.
It's probably a whole lot more fun to watch Tiger Woods than to be him.
Chip-ins
The Palomar College women's golf team is looking for players of all ages who want to compete for the Comets in the upcoming season. Coach
Mark Eldridge is seeking college-aged golfers who want to advance to a four-year level, or advanced older golfers who want to compete beyond country club competition. Interested players can contact Eldridge at
meldridge@palomar.edu or (760) 744-1150, ext. 2469.
San Diegans watch: Jill McGill and Charlotte Mayorkas are playing in the U.S. Women's Open this week after qualifying through sectional tournaments . . . Seve Gonzales, Chris Freeman and Nathan Schenz-Davis have qualified for the U.S. Amateur Public Links Championship, to be held July 14-19 in Aurora, Colo.
Tod Leonard: (619) 293-1858; tod.leonard@uniontrib.com
